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❶The two hundred bucks you would have spent on gas to drive to New Orleans?

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Humor, Travel, Food, Photography and Musings by Brian Eden
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It was a nice letter, nicer now in hindsight because apparently, knowledge or not, they did just fine.

I wrote another script. I asked the police officer if she would prevent me from getting on my train if I refused to consent to a search. Or, as I did, simply take another train. What if I were a journalist, an attorney, an investment banker or a doctor, carrying papers that were not for the police to examine? It might not be only MY rights which were being violated. Both parents were against it. My father fought in World War II on our side. My mother came here from Russia, her parents fleeing totalitarianism.

They abandoned everything they had when they came here, and were dirt poor back when there was no Welfare and Brooklyn still had plenty of dirt. Mom told me that even after living in the U. Because for his entire life in Russia, nothing good ever came out of a possible confrontation with a police officer.

Keep in mind he was a Jew in a small town in Russia, where for sport the Cossacks would get drunk and beat up Jews for no reason.

Of course once they got here, like so many other immigrants, they had to start over. Neither of my parents had it easy. Yet somehow they not only got through it, they raised three sons who, between all of us, have seven Ivy League degrees one of which is mine. Marines, a pediatric oncologist, Israeli commandos, black belts in karate. Because, as someone once said, and has often been quoted, the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. Okay, now to explain the Seinfeld reference.

I wrote a second spec. The same two plots, virtually the same story, some of even the same types of sentences and ideas. I was darker-skinned, named Abdul or Mohammed, carrying a copy of the Koran. So, not only do these random searches waste time, frighten people, waste resources that could be put to better use, but they also risk convincing people that they are the victims of stereotyping, of discrimination, of the violation of their equal rights.

That too is a risk we should not be taking. Not just the richest. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door! I am for the legalization of marijuana. Also for the legalization of marajuana and the legalization of marihuana.

Any drug that has three different spellings is fine with me. When they came for me, there was no one left to speak up. I have to speak up. We have to draw the line somewhere. Better now than later. I had no drugs in my bag. I do not use marijuana, by any spelling. Another reason to oppose these searches. If enough people say no, maybe we can make a difference. Heard of Philadelphia mass transit? Heard of the local supermarket? Heard of hiding a bomb under your shirt, instead of in a backpack?

So have the terrorists. Like you should have, schmucks running our country, before September 11th. The White House had received warnings of hijackings.

A Tom Clancy novel depicted a terrorist crashing a into the Capitol Building during a joint meeting of Congress. On my birthday yesterday I learned that the NYPD plans to begin random searches of backpacks in subways. Essentially they made him an arms dealer so they could arrest him for being an arms dealer. The NYC subway system has millions of riders a day. It will rain blood and metrocards.

Oh, you work in a nail salon, Kara? So the suicide bombers give up on the subway… and instead blow up everyone in Gristedes, the movie theater, on the sidewalk. At least until winter, when they can hide the bombs under their winter coats.

But anything that wastes my time, and invades my privacy, I have a problem with. And I heard on the radio yesterday that in the past four years there have been accidental incursions of the giant flight restrictions around Washington, DC.

Which means that probably there have been hundreds of thousands of flights that had to divert around that airspace. Do you realize what a monumental waste of time and fuel that must be? In other words, you can look at yourself. I can look at myself. But I cannot look at yourself unless you and I are the same person. Because when I do look at myself, I see me, not you.

So I had to sue my landlord. Back in the winter they were doing reconstruction on the apartment upstairs. The standard way to gut an apartment is to bust out a window, park a dumpster in the alley below, and throw all the debris out the window into the dumpster.

He pretty much understood that I knew what I was talking about. And I found out that his office was an hour commute from the courthouse. I asked him the address of the courthouse. He said 34 Fifth Avenue. I asked him to read me my address. He said 17 Fifth Avenue. He showed up in court. We went into court, where the judge asked if we could go outside and try to settle. He asked what I wanted. I said that sounded rather drastic— could we say July 4, ? I was walking to her apartment carrying four dozen roses.

In the water bottle pockets of my backpack I had two bottles of Champagne sticking out very noticeably. She looked at the roses, then at the Champagne, then at me. Then back at the roses, and the Champagne. Eminent domain is the Constitutionally-allowed power of state and local governments to seize private property for a public purpose, as long as they pay for it.

The Supreme Court just ruled that the power of Eminent Domain allows state and local governments to seize private property and give or sell it to other private enterprises merely because the newer enterprise promises to add value to the property.

In other words, they can tear down a slum and put up fancy housing because that will lead to economic development and higher tax revenue. Oh, they have to pay the people who own the slum properties, but they pay the market value for a slum, not what the land is going to be worth once the slum is replaced by fancy housing.

Of course with the slum gone the price of the least expensive housing goes up, and the poor people who have been forced out of their homes are screwed. The Supreme Court vote was , and I find myself agreeing with the conservative minority that there ought to be stricter limits to eminent domain. Otherwise, the state can seize a K-Mart and sell the land to Target, because Target promises higher tax revenues. That is, until Wal-Mart comes along.

Where does it end? Ask Bill Gates, or Exxon, or maybe China. Or those mini racing cars. Thank God for the Second Amendment. You can have my house when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands. I vote and pay my taxes proudly and I think this is the greatest country in the world.

But still we stink. A few nights ago I was watching Fear Factor. One of the bug-eating episodes, not one of the bugs-crawling-all-over-you episodes. There are five billion people on our planet, and a lot of them go hungry. Some of them will die of starvation. Or perhaps for every hour of Fear Factor people watch, they should be required to spend five minutes watching people go hungry. It may not be on the same scale as the Holocaust, but this time we know all about it and we have the military means to stop it.

And by stopping it, perhaps discouraging future mass murderers. Oh, unless they really piss us off. Or at least scroll down and read some of my funny blogs. But I had to speak my mind. With my job comes some responsibility to speak out. The founder of Wine Spectator magazine has passed away. I can tell you one thing: For more comedy, please visit the Expired Comedy section of this website. Every few weeks my neighbors have a garage sale.

To try to sell the same useless crap that nobody bought at the previous garage sales. But still every sale fills up our quiet street with cars and clogs the neighborhood as my neighbors sit hopefully in their driveway all day. Not much, so I bought it all to finally put an end to this nonsense, and on bulk garbage day I put it ALL out for the garbagemen.

A party which will include a live musical performance by Cyndi Lauper. I quote from her song: Some boys take a beautiful girl And hide her away from the rest of the world I want to be the one to walk in the sun Oh girls they want to have fun. Sooner or later… two people are going to be talking to each other on their cell phones while driving, and crash… into each other. He who crosses street while talking to girlfriend on cell phone get run over by woman driving SUV while talking to her nanny on cell phone.

Tonight it was raining and yucky out so I only had 4 tables and am home already, writing to you, faceless Blog. In any case — I had a revelation as I was starring at the lake waiting for my last table to wash down their fish fry with our finest white zinfendel Go Rochester!

Two hotty italian busboys would gallantly throw down their Windex bottles and buspans and scream….. Someone get me out of this city. Same fantasy, minus the death. Order steak for everyone. Then run away, in your Ferrari, driven by comedian and excellent driver Shaun Eli. Bring this to the restaurant. And an address in Malibu for them to mail the speeding ticket.

Pitt leave the car at a local airport, where pilot Shaun Eli is waiting with a plane to fly you two lovebirds to California, after a stop in Vegas where Mr.

Fabulastic chef Shaun Eli goes shopping and returns to prepare you a wonderful dinner while you relax in a bubble bath. He then leaves you with two bottles of Champagne, and a wonderful dessert, as a ragged Brad Pitt enters the house for one final goodbye fling.

I went to pick up my date at her apartment. At th near Lenox. Martin Luther King Jr. Someone came out of her building, and I asked him if he knew if Evie were home. Her building is a five story brownstone with only two apartments per floor. A new study reported that most traffic lights in the U. Back when fewer cars travelled, and came from and went to different parts of your town.

The reason for the lack of change? They say for only FOUR DOLLARS PER CAR they could re-time most of the traffic lights in America, saving us millions of hours in travelling time, millions of gallons of gasoline, and wear and tear on our cars including the tires and brake linings that wear down every time we have to slow down to stop at another red light.

And of course cut down on pollution, that thing we used to care about back before the oil companies took their first four year lease on America with an option to renew. The money has to come from somewhere. A non-polluting, self-renewing national resource sm.

Somebody told me that no matter what phrases you Google, you will get some number of hits. But substitute fellatio for cunnilingus and you more than double the number of hits.

Change it to fetus or calculus and it goes up further still. Algebra does even better, more than hits. My stand-up comedy is clean. Apparently my blogs are not always. When I was seventeen I worked in a supermarket. I had a beard and looked older. Once when I was leaving, two sixteen year olds stopped me and asked if I could buy them some beer the drinking age in NY at the time was eighteen. Last night I was sitting at the bar at a comedy show, next to an eighteen year old.

She asked me to buy her a beer. The bartender knows me, and obviously knew that this woman was too young to buy alcohol, so had I bought a beer and given it to her, we both would have been thrown out. Not that I would have anyway. In many European countries kids are given small amounts of alcohol to taste as they grow up.

Raising the drinking age is credited with cutting down on drunken driving, but in fact all the exposure to the issue, and stricter law enforcement, is probably responsible for much of that. Perhaps we should lower the drinking age to sixteen, but give kids a choice— a license to drink OR a license to drive. That way every group of friends would have a designated driver, and they could switch off every few months. When his bicycle was found chained up outside an apartment building, they searched the building and found that he had been trapped in an elevator… for three days.

In the meantime the police arrested a man because he had a blood-colored stain on his shirt. It turned out to be exactly what he claimed it was: Until at one point they cut to a shot of his shoes while he was in the middle of a joke.

The world lost a great comedian this week. Someone who could make us laugh not only from a surprise or an unusual observation, but simply from a brilliant manipulation of the English language. Three comedian websites I monitor SheckyMagazine.

Some students have protested, claiming that hacking into a website to find out early what they would eventually have found out anyway is no big deal, likening it to taking a pencil home from the office. Would you hire someone who did that? If the students believe that what they did was not wrong, they should be amenable to having the schools publish their names, so we can decide for ourselves whether we ever want to hire these people.

Those of us who live in NY are used to seeing all sorts of strange behavior. Last week I saw tourists, who spoke with American accents, taking a photograph of a Starbucks.

Unless they flew to NYC in a time machine from the s. Or, with any luck, from not too far in the future. Three for ten dollars. There he would meet Elijah. Once he said to Elijah: Elijah said to him: I was visiting my friend Sara who teaches and does research at a medical school— I met her outside the hospital entrance, where a large number of patients, many with IVs attached, were smoking. All nine Supreme Court justices are either Christian or Jewish.

Two religions which believe in the Ten Commandments as a central tenet. Therefore I believe that all nine justices ought to recuse themselves from this case.

Actually there is NO such right. I find the subject of the NY Press article in bad taste. Medical researchers at Harvard University have announced plans to start testing the psychedelic drug Ecstasy on humans. Actually the study is to see if the drug could help relieve the suffering of terminally-ill cancer patients.

White House officials are against the study because they say it could legitimize a dangerous drug. It could lead to the use of other dangerous drugs, such as alcohol, morphine and maybe even that very popular drug that CAUSES cancer, tobacco.

That someone might eventually develop truth serum. The center of fashion? The headquarters of the United Nations? Greenwich Village rock music clubs? Foreign art films you may not be able to see anywhere else? Nope, people come to see curtains. But we ARE glad you came. Please come back, with or without something specific to see. Just please walk faster or stay to the right on the sidewalks. A congressman wants to take President Ulysses S. Grant off the fifty dollar bill and replace his portrait with that of President Reagan.

After all, nobody ever did more to run up government debt than Reagan not yet, anyway, Bush still has four more years. A stunningly beautiful woman kissed me tonight. As part of our acting class. She kissed me passionately… then slapped me across the face. As if she had any legal chance of actually enforcing her rights if someone else used it in an advertisement.

Back in college, one of my classmates showed up one day in a bright yellow track suit. I think hearing this so much made an impression on her. I saw her six days a week for a whole year but never again saw the yellow track suit. I doubt she was happy about it. I meet a woman who completely wins me over. Willing to go out with me.

A woman possessing all five of those important qualities is rare. On our first date I told her where I went to college and she told me the name of her new best friend, who also went there. Thought that the five-qualities woman might be my soul-mate. Still lovely, and still very funny. She earned and deserves it. A few weeks ago. A bunch of comedians are in line to sign up for an audition.

One comedian arrives late, starts talking to his friends in front of us when the line starts to move. I ask him, politely, to go to the back of the line. A bunch of us are not only comedians but we also book shows, and we remember stuff like this. A minute or two later. We get to the front. They changed their policy. For this time only, they are assigning dates in chronological order.

So it did matter where in line one stood. I really like to open a show. My style of comedy stands up to the challenge, I think, because I believe in lots of punchlines in other words, quantity perhaps over quality , starting right from when I take the stage. No long set-ups, just grab the mike and start hitting hard.

Tonight I performed my third set at the Tribeca Arts Festival. I followed some musicians and poets. There were around fifteen people in the audience this was Super Bowl Sunday.

Some of them had heard my stuff the first two times I appeared there. While I did vary my sets the first two times, the opening this time had nothing new, although the order was moved around some.

For the first minute, barely a chuckle. After three or four minutes of material that usually does really well and did so the prior two weeks , I got some laughter. I switched to crowd work asking the audience questions, coming up with humorous responses to get the audience on my side.

The crowd work helped a little, then I did some more material and some real laughs finally ensued. But it was a hard slog. They were listening, but I could have been giving a lesson on how to gut fish to the seafood department for all the love I felt.

After I left the stage I figured it out. The person who preceded me was a poet. When I saw her two weeks ago, she had told a long story about a young girl forced into an arranged marriage who was repeatedly raped and tortured by her husband, and the horrible life she led. Last night I posted a blog about the tough show I had just come from, when I was the only comedian and I went on immediately following a poet who speaks about the rape, torture and abuse of a young girl.

This afternoon I was shopping and a guy leaving the store said hello to me. I said hi in that non-committal way that means Okay, hi to you, but I have no idea who you are and probably you have mistaken me for someone else.

A major coincidence with so few people at the show on Super Bowl Sunday, in a metropolitan area with fifteen million people. He confirmed that the person right before me told a gruesome story and brought down the whole audience and it took them a long time to get over what she said.

I had the unfortunate luck of immediately following her. I suppose this means she is a very talented story-teller, which of course did me no good. A bunch of us were friends with Phil Vosh in college. Phil and I were teammates for four years and housemates for two.

Many other friends of ours also lived in the house. A couple of years ago I received a letter. The return address was Celeste Vosh in the same city where Phil lived. Before opening the envelope I assumed it was a wedding announcement. As far as I knew, Phil had no siblings. The rest of us had no idea. Then I figured something out. The other side of the story. The reason we never knew that Phil had two sisters?

Because we never asked. It seems to me that the less one eats, the faster one loses weight. And so far the only thing unusual is that my house is suffering from an infestation of midget giraffes riding flying motorcycles. People die but unless we see them, we fail to act. Millions of people starve each year, way more than die from tsunamis. But flood destruction makes for better video so for that we write the checks.

But back to the vegetarians. So I order a steak and get dirty looks through the whole meal. Third date she suggests the restaurant. I like tofu, given something nice to flavor it. By itself it tastes like styrofoam. I ask for a diet coke and all six waitresses, pale and unhealthy-looking, give me dirty looks like I ordered a broiled baby in kitten sauce with a side order of smallpox.

Growing up, until age 25 I probably had met only three or four Shauns in my life. Sean Connery was James Bond, and that was pretty good. Like all our Jennifers will be in forty years. But now all those Shauns are grown up, and it seems to be a pretty cool name. The only drawback is that I read about a lot of Shauns getting arrested Sean Combs and the over-the-Carnegie-Deli shooting a few years ago come to mind; there have been tons of others.

But all in all, other Shauns, welcome to the club. For entertainment use only. No shareholders were harmed in the making of this parody.

On Thanksgiving I decided to clean out some of the boxes of papers. I found copies of my high school comedy newspaper it was actually the Computer Club newsletter but writing jokes was much more fun than writing about computers. I found a letter from a girl I liked in college taking a whole page to thank me for UPSing her one of my cheesecakes.

I found stacks of letters from two girls I had corresponded with in high school. At the time I thought I was a pretty funny writer. I guess I should ask them if they want their letters. One is someone I still keep in touch with from time to time. She lives in upstate NY with a nice husband and a house full of kids.

I found a NYC subway map from the s. One of the barely comprehensible ones with the thick parallel lines that came about after the totally incomprehensible ones with overlapping lines. Unfortunately this one is ripped along the folds. Anybody remember the QB train?

When was the last time you heard someone refer to the BMT? Here was my response: And yes, I, with all this training, knowledge and experience, do not use a cell phone when I drive.

That should tell you something. On Tuesday a client called me while he was driving. I suggested he call me back when he was parked. He said he was using a hands-free earpiece. I replied that this was just one more thing to break when he crashed. Sometimes followed by your crash.

Your brain can process only so much information at the same time. As a small child, parents have always taught their little bundle of joy never to wander around in the store, to always stick by them like super glue, and if need be, always hold their hand.

Of course, there is no guarantee that the child will ever follow this simple rule willingly. I am not exactly sure what all is considered in respect to receiving a scholarship, so I'll just lay it all out. Towards this end I have been constantly involved in projects concerning similar subjects. I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.

I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone play. That summer was filled with fast car rides, the wind in my hair, and rock and roll in my ears.

The excitement and adrenaline of the days were countered by cool, relaxing nights by a crackling campfire with friends. It was truly the best of times. Yet throughout that summer's three months of an easy ride, I felt a sense of longing that permeated every look in the mirror.

What do SpongeBob Squarepants, Joey Tribbiani, my theatre teacher, high school students, and many parents have in common? No, it's not that they all have Golgi bodies and retinas. Let me give you a hint. They put off 'till tomorrow what they should do today But even more difficulties appear when the students were asked to write an Oedipus essay especially as an application essay.

Although there is one story about Oedipus, the students have succeeded to present the most stupid variants of it. The list of funny themes is huge, but it will prompt you the correct one.

It will also help you not to use the outdated topics or the ones that were re-written thousands of times. So if you lack creativity or time, do not just sill copy the information present on the net, the topics that were funny for someone several years ago but will be hard for you to reveal. Use some more reliable sources for not to turn your funny essay into a stupid one. How to format an essay? The Edusson email digest is a weekly summary of the most popular and inspiring essay-related content.

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short funny story essays He was lost. There was no question about it. At first, the jungle had seemed a nice enough place, full of peculiar yet interesting birds and animals, and strange species of smoke expelling plants which grew in all random corners of the sharp rigid landscape. But now as the.

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Here is a collection of my humor essays. Read them. Laugh at them. FUNNY SHORTS: Not the pants type. The writing type. Here are some very short nuggets of hilarity. October 7, at pm. I teach writing to middle school boys (ADHD types — quick thinking short writing) — and want to share these essays with my boys. But .

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Hilarious and serious essays. Some of these are funny, and some are serious. If you can't tell the difference then I'm not doing my job. Short funny essays - witness the advantages of expert writing help available here Discover key tips how to receive a plagiarism free themed research paper from a experienced provider Use this service to order your valid essay handled on time.